Seperation is hard
It does not matter who you are, what you believe or where you come from. Separation or the dissolution of a marriage for whatever reason, is in many cases "the end of a dream"
Excluding arranged marriages and (some of them work better than ones we choose ourselves) I doubt that most people get engaged while thinking "I wonder when this will end?
Nobody wants their marriage and life together to fall apart and there are many reasons why they do.
This blog is not to list reasons why marriages do not last nor is it to condemn, judge or ask questions to you as to why some of us go from happily married with kids to single parents struggling in a battle for custody, going it alone or just simply trying to make ends meet.
I do not ask myself "why?" or even rack my brain for reasons why my marriage ended after three years.
I know full well why the marriage between my husband and I could no longer go on.
I will go into this and explain the very explicit parts of what happened between us.
Not to sound bias but in this case, my husband has an awful lot to answer for.
He is seeking redemption and is attending a church and reading the bible.
this is all well and good but as a christian and women of faith as i call myself, I struggled with his lack of understanding of the bible and his choices which reflected that. He was angry and obsessive, often turning to drugs and alcohol for pleasure and a feeling of temporary numbness and euphoria all whilst downing people I knew in the church and the very basis of their faith.
Which brings me to ask myself WHY did I marry him in the first place?
If I knew full well how my marriage ended and obviously the reasons it did, then why on earth did I ma rry someone who was clearly not on the same page as me nor was he interested in pursuing a life which included responsibilites such as working, driving, being a father and cleaning up after himself.
Was it too much to ask that he was his hands before dinner?
Did I become a nagging partner who grew frustrated that I had to carry bulk loads of groceries while I was seven months pregnant after driving him all over town to various job interviews?
Was I too selfish in asking for money when mine went on him and our living arrangements?
Should I have asked him to contribute? why yes and I did many a time.
The responses I got were often " I just don't want to work" or "When the baby comes, I will stay home and be a dedicated house husband"
Well that sounded all well and good, aside from the " I just dont want to work" response.
However
Once the baby came, and she was a beautiful ray of sunshine after a depressing, turbulent and physically draining pregnancy which saw me in hospital three weeks early with an Emergency C section to boot, I honestly thought my husband would have stepped up.
He cradled our daughter in his arms and spent the first two nights with her while I recovered with pain medications.
The feeling of relief when I held her in my arms and my husband whispered sweet nothings to me and ended them with "I love you" was unlike anything I had experienced in my courtship through to marriage. (Not that we courted very long, three months I believe it was)
When our little baby rose became sick, it was my husband, now the dutiful daddy who stepped up and spent the entire week in the pediatric ward with her. I recovered and slept with a myriad or emotions and anxiety running through my mind. The baby blues hit hard and fast, followed by euphoria and a slight craziness which could be described as a severe post natal anxiety disorder mixed with what was later known as bipolar.
The honey moon period, like our two nights away down south after we married was not to last.
Three months in and My husband was bored. He saught drugs again.
He used any means to get them, from ordering online to catching rides with people of whom I did not know, into town to get " ingredients" to mix and cook, boil and extract and basically act out the "Walter white" fantasy of making potent chemicals from the most harmless of plants or so it would seem?
I was livid, upset and struggling with post natal motherhood. I wanted this lay about and drug addict out.......
However: Everyone deserves a second chance right?
Now the separation process can be split into three parts.
Before we split for good, I had to give him a chance. Despite his lack of personal hygiene, interest in work or helping out around the house which was my parents since he had no get up and go to live in a flat with me, I sat him on the bed and gave him an ultimatum.
"I want you out" The first time
As he cradled rose in his arms I sternly informed him that unless he gave up the drugs, cleaned up his act (and his physical appearance) and look for work to support us, I wanted him out.
Naturally he fought this and cried his eyes out stating he would change.
I sighed and we both talked and decided that a trip back to his home country would do him good. This would be a temporary solution to an ongoing problem that I could not see at the time, probably because I did not want to.
Anyhow: He left a few weeks later, when his dad came to visit and see his grand daughter.
I wept as he boarded the plane, convinced I was still in love with him and sank into a deep depression. I slept alot and aside from tending to my extremely lovable and well behaved little four month old, I became a recluse. I ate and slept, slept and ate and closed myself off from playgroups and church support groups for mums which looking back I really should have made an effort with but as my Post Natal counselor told me that the word "should" is "shit" so I went along hour by hour and day by day, pining for a man I thought would change and showed promise when he arrived back in England where my sisters at the time were living.
Then came an opportunity of a life time.
This opportunity was in all honesty more about getting out of New Zealand and seeing London for the first time than it was being reconciled with my husband who had told me was "clean" and sober.
So after selling my car and borrowing money, I got a flight to England with my little five month old and arrived in london in the early hours of the morning.
I was a mix of elation and exasperation when I arrived. Naturally hubby was over the moon to see his wife and child.
When he scooped her up in his arms and kissed me gently, I felt that the past two years were just a hurdle or a learning curve and finally we could begin as a family in a new country together with support from his family and mine back in New Zealand.
I could not have been more wrong.
Next post
Part two
Leaving on a jet plane
Can you relate to this?
if you can, please comment below
